My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
You Might Also Like
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.