HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Alexa: *deep breath*
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?