I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no