HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
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My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
August 8
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson: