This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
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Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
look at me when i’m typing to you
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.