[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
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Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
uncle dave has been through hell
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.