So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
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Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant