Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
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The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
The Weeknd is back
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I’m giving up for Lent.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I don’t know what to do
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.