morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
You Might Also Like
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Lucky old June.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
crying
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June