remember
only for emergencies
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How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.