Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
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We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco