Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
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It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.