6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
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I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.