A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
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Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process: