Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
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In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
WWE is French for “yes”
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
we all know this pain all too well
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves