Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
You Might Also Like
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course