Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
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Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Confused owl: What?!
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”