I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
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Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?