Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
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Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Hot Panini is in big trouble
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I ate everything, including the H.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Name this drama.
How dramatic are you?
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
me before I type out affect or effect
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
cat faces on other animals, a thread