sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
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[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
#Caturday
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Eat…
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!