Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
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My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Me trying to reach for my goals
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.