Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
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Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.