My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
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My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good