As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Favourite diary entry ever
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Good morning!
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.