Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
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[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
You’re the water to my grease fire.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.