My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
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Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
this came to me in a vision
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.