You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
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archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I feel this so hard
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I support this random dude and all his protests
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.