Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
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My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
how to have an accident 101
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.