Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
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kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
R.I.P.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]