I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
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Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
they finally got him. they got macavity
Worth a try
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.