Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
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It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
this has to be peak English
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.