Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
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“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Jurassic park gets weird