YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
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[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Quadruple digit IQ
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
The first matador
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted