[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
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Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.