waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
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If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run