Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
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Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.