A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
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Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
kitchen magnet
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done