rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
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Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.