The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
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sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens