Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
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Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
ibopfufen
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”