[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
You Might Also Like
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
when revenge coincides with naptime
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?