“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
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[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Vodka burrito was a success
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.