Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
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police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.