[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
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I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.