I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
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I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
bears
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on