Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
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I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas