I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
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Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I had to Stop for this
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
#ParentingFacts
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this