The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
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Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
not seeing the problem
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?