I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
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Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
What a chick magnet..
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no