[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
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When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.